Been awhile

It’s been awhile since I wrote anything. Sometimes it is just really hard. I try to do other things to keep my brain busy. I’m not always successful. I used to be such an easy person to please or entertain myself persay. Now I have a hard time thinking of one thing I enjoy since last year when my world flipped. I never knew my depression could get worse then what I already experienced.

My dad has always said when I ask how his day is going “one day at a time” I never understood what he meant til recently. I now understand more then I ever could and I try to do life that way but it’s hard. I often feel like I have become a shitty parent and hope my kids truly believe me and understand that when I tell them I love them more then life itself, I really do. My mom has never really had to deal with depression. She tells me to ” pull up your boot straps and move on, dont give those horrible people such power”. She doesn’t understand it’s not a choice, I’m really struggling. I dont remember a day I didnt have an emotional breakdown. I have always looked at my mom as my best friend but as she was frustrated with me one day she said ” we used to be close but you never want to do anything”. Its not that I dont want to do anything, sometimes I just need her to harass me I guess. When she said that I felt more empty then I already do. I know I’m surrounded by people who care but I feel alone, sad and like I have no one. Someday I hope to be the person I used to enjoy again. I hope to have a normal sleep schedule again. I guess hope is something I seem to hang onto. I seem to question everything and everyone now days. I know my hubby cares but I often question it. I know it is just because he doesn’t know what to say or do for me. I’m thankful he has been patient with me and tries to do his best to make me feel better.