EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON….

I have always though each thing happens for a reason. I was fine with thinking that as I could usually come up with what I thought the reason was. I will never be able to come up with a reason on how I help a homeless woman she she robs mn e while sitting with my mom on death bed. She took so many things that were so important to me. I constantly wonder if this pain and heartache will ever stop. I felt part of my soul die that day and I’m not sure if it will ever come back, I hope so but I just dont know what to think. My relationship with my mom/ best friend has changed. My mom disagrees but she dont call me a bunch during day or text bomb me during the night like she used to. I used to tell her pretty much everything and now I dont feel I can. Now I just become supper table talk. I have never harmed anyone so I do not understand how such bad people could cross my path. I really hope karma is for real.

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Been awhile

It’s been awhile since I wrote anything. Sometimes it is just really hard. I try to do other things to keep my brain busy. I’m not always successful. I used to be such an easy person to please or entertain myself persay. Now I have a hard time thinking of one thing I enjoy since last year when my world flipped. I never knew my depression could get worse then what I already experienced.

My dad has always said when I ask how his day is going “one day at a time” I never understood what he meant til recently. I now understand more then I ever could and I try to do life that way but it’s hard. I often feel like I have become a shitty parent and hope my kids truly believe me and understand that when I tell them I love them more then life itself, I really do. My mom has never really had to deal with depression. She tells me to ” pull up your boot straps and move on, dont give those horrible people such power”. She doesn’t understand it’s not a choice, I’m really struggling. I dont remember a day I didnt have an emotional breakdown. I have always looked at my mom as my best friend but as she was frustrated with me one day she said ” we used to be close but you never want to do anything”. Its not that I dont want to do anything, sometimes I just need her to harass me I guess. When she said that I felt more empty then I already do. I know I’m surrounded by people who care but I feel alone, sad and like I have no one. Someday I hope to be the person I used to enjoy again. I hope to have a normal sleep schedule again. I guess hope is something I seem to hang onto. I seem to question everything and everyone now days. I know my hubby cares but I often question it. I know it is just because he doesn’t know what to say or do for me. I’m thankful he has been patient with me and tries to do his best to make me feel better.

The day I lost myself (2)

As I walk into my home I start to realize I have dishes, blankets, and my kids shoes are gone. I get by my kids room and see she went through their jewlery boxes and took everything, I run back to my locked drawer with all my moms stuff to see it was wide open. She took jewlery that meant the world to me, she took my grandmas baby rings,black hills gold, diamonds. I notice the lock was picked on my jewlery box and right then i learn she took all my sentimental, I ran to the garage where my husband an brother were at and I was in hysterics. My mom told me to keep that stuff and keep it safe so I told no one and they didnt understand why I was so upset. I told them exactly what I was looking for and when they said they didnt see it….a piece of me died that day..suddenly I was worried how to pay for the funeral and all the other things on my moms list. I felt so many emotions at once, it was the worse of my life.

I have not been the same since that day. I feel my soul was ripped out. The police were no help, they called me a liar when they were told Nothing but the truth. At this point I have become a hermit as I have a fear of trusting anyone and my heart gets in the way so im better off staying at home. I have shortened this is much as I could.

THE DAY I LOST MYSELF

I’m going to skip pass some of the unnecessary details. I went home to get kids ready for school, my husband went to work as I went back to the hospital to see my mom. When I got there the doctor wanted to talk to me. He said I needed to call our family to say goodbye as there was no way mom was gonna make it. Her accident charcoled the inside of her lungs and her nasal cavity. She was unable to breath on her own and when they tried to take the breathing tube out a little her throat started to swell and they feared it would just close. The doctors asked if I would be willing to sign papers to put in a permanent feeding tube and a button in her throat for her to talk. My mom has always been very open with me about her medical and I knew she didnt want that so I told them I cant sign the papers. We had a family meeting and some siblings felt I was just leaving her to die but that was not it at all. I love my mom and she is one I tell everything to. I was struggling to hold it together. Mom and I agreed a long time ago that if something ever happened to wait 30 days from the day the doctor suggested to turn off machines. I wouldnt leave my moms side. In case something happened I didnt want her to be alone and I didnt want her to be scared. One of moms friends came to the hospital suggesting I go home for a break and she will stay til I get back.

My youngest brother and I went to my house to try taking all the information in. We went to the garage to get a pop and we sat down in there. The gal I was helping that was staying with us kept texting me and bugging me about when I was gonna be home so she could grab her coat for a job interview. I told her I didn’t know and she would need to contact my husband. My husband got home shortly before my brother and I got to the house and he didnt go in our house yet. We were all talking having an emotional moment when I told my husband I thought I heard the screen door to our house. He went to check and found the gal staying with us coming out with a box, she put it on the deck and talked with him for awhile. He noticed she parked a block away and while leaving she was walking fast and made the comment she would get her box from the deck later but her probation officer contacted her saying she needed to move to a half way house because she didnt have a job. She grabbed her boyfriend’s van and parked in front of house and my husband helped her with her one box. When she came to stay with us she only had the one box.

My husband put the recliner up in the garage and told me to just relax since I was having swelling in my legs. After a few hours I went in the house to use the bathroom. Something didnt seem right. I quickly started to notice a lot of items missing from my home. To be continued…..

The day I lost faith in our justice system. (3)

When I got home Janine asked me how my mom was doing. Thats all it took for me to start crying. I told her mom wasnt doing well and we didnt know what to expect at that moment. I went to my bedroom to make some calls and just sit for a bit and think. Janine knocked on my door asking if she could come in. I told her that was fine. She sat on the edge of my bed and suggested that I should do something with a friend. I told her that my mom is my best friend and I have a few but after almost a year ago that a friend betrayed me I’m not to up to meeting people anymore…she looked at me and said…well I hope you think of me as a friend because I feel you are my friend and I am not out to screw you over. I’m glad you have a big heart, I’m sorry that you are hurting and your mom is not any better yet. My heart hurts for you. She said… Little did I know that should have been my first red flag. I did think about it for a short time but then I thought….she is a mom, 3 kids, grand kids, she seems to be so helpful during this horrible nightmare. I wasnt home for long and felt I needed to go back and sit with my mom. Each night I played a playlist from my phone with songs her and I both played and sang to and held her hand. Her injury caused 3rd degree burns down her throat, part of her lungs and melted skin on her face and ears. I got a call one night they almost lost her. I went home to shower, after that night I didnt leave unless someone was with her. I didnt want her to feel alone and scared, my mom is a fighter, strongest woman I know. She has been through hell and back and still finds a reason to smile and fight. I wish I could be half of who she is. She has been on kidney dialysis for 5 in a half years. She was in so much pain that for the first time I wasnt sure she had the strength to fight. I was a mess, keeping our whole family posted,

My step dad ( don’t care for the word step) was torn, they own a trucking company, mom does all the paperwork , dad drives the truck, they make a good team. He was there as much as possible, he changed all his loads to in state only and 3 hours away was as close as he could stay to home back and forth. He had to keep going so they wouldn’t lose their business. During this time he slowly told us 4 kids he wanted to stop trucking. Semi is the only job he has ever had. He wanted to make sure he didnt miss out on anything else. He talked to one of my brothers and I as he started to cry he apologized for not bring there for all our school functions and other gatherings. He said he wants to be around better for the grandkids. My brother told him he would get a CDL license to drive and I said I would learn the paperwork part. He told us not to bother, he made up his mind so he called all his trucking friends telling them if any of his kids call to learn business stuff they are to tell us no. He said it takes to much of our time and he didnt want us to miss important life events.

That night my moms doctors called while I sat with mom and since I’m her POA, they wanted to have a meeting about my moms medical care and told me after the meeting I should call all family.

That moment I felt numb, I tried to keep the tears back. Even though mom was in a med induced coma, I didnt want her to hear me cry. I kissed her forehead and told her I love her. I lost some tears down her cheek. I told my mom I’m not ready for her to leave but I know she is in pain. I will never be ready for her to go anywhere but if she needed to go I understand and would see her again on the other side someday. I fell a sleep in a chair holding her had with my head on her bed until one of my brothers came the next morning and woke me up….

A little background about me.

When I was in my late teens I started to feel really tired. I got worse out easily and if I didnt keep busy I would fall a sleep. I started to do lots of art projects to keep me busy. I had acne as a teen and was put on accutane. When I was 19 I kept telling my mom while shopping I felt funny. She would ask what I meant and I would say I dont know just funny. We walked to the van and I passed out on my mom. She picked me up and got me in the van and to the emergency room. I will get in much more detail at a later point but since this part relates to what I’m already talking about I feel I should share that I ended up with an illness that destroys my white cell count and it destroyed my teeth. I had to get all them pulled. I was so excited when the dentures were done as they looked just like my real teeth. Well my swelling went down so much that the teeth no longer fit so I been making payments without insurance. They were 5500.00 and I have 1100.00 left.. I was so excited to have teeth again and what I didnt realize is that at my age since I cabt wear the first set so I have had to go without.. .you get constantly accused of drugs. I no longer leave my home unless I have to.

The day I lost faith in our justice system. (2)

On Oct 1, 2017 as Janine was staying with us, I got a call from my mom about 10 p.m. she was in a panick and I could tell something was wrong, I asked my mom if I needed to call ambulance before I got there, she said no just get here. Before my 2 girls and I left I asked Janine if she wanted to go and she said no you are fine go ahead and go. My husband was gonna be home so I didnt think much of it.

Get to my moms and something went wrong with the wall outlet that her oxygen concentrator was plugged into and it sparked her cord melting it to parts of her face. I kept telling my mom we should go to the hospital, she insisted she was going to be ok but was just in some pain. I didnt feel right leaving her alone so my oldest daughter and I took turns staying up in case something happened. I asked my mom where her stat machine was so I could check her oxygen levels and she claimed she was fine and would get mad when I asked her which wasnt normal.

I decided to run home and get my stat machine to check moms level after making sure my oldest daughter was comfortable to stay with my mom. Ir would take me about 30 minutes to go from moms house to my house and back. As …i’m on my way back my 10 year old calls me to say grandma was having a lot of pain and started to cry. ( that was not normal for my mom) my child then says mom please hurry grandma fell and hit her face on the wall and my sister and I are trying to get her nose to stop bleeding. (My mom takes blood thinner) I was about 5 minutes or less away and when I ran into the house the girls were awesome and were able to stop the nose bleed.

I tried convincing my mom to go to hospital again. She seemed like her mind was fully with it but every now and then she would say something that would make me think something is not right. My mom had dialysis the next morning and says to me ” I need to cancel and maybe go the next day, I’m too weak to go anywhere.” I went to check her clothes in the dryer and when I came out she was talking as if she was talking to dialysis to cancel her appointment but her phone was sitting in front of her. I then realized her oxygen for sure had to be low but she continued to say she wasnt going to hospital as she was fine. She wanted me to run a few errins… I showed my oldest how to check her oxygen level and had her text me a picture every 30 min. When she called saying moms oxygen was in the 70’s I told her I was calling an ambulance and to get on it with grandma and I will meet them both there. My mom insisted she was fine so my daughter was scared to open door for ambulance thinking grandma would get upset…I told her, you have to open the door so they can help grandma and if she gets mad you tell her I made the call.

I met them both at the emergency room. I had my kids go with my mother in law while they tried to raise my moms oxygen. After my husband was done working he picked up our kids and they called for an update but I didnt have any at that time. I was so tired, I was up a little over 24 hours when my mom started to rest. The nurse said if my mom didnt keep the oxygen (C-pap) on she would have to go to ICU and be incubated. Since mom was stable I was heading home to sleep for a bit because I couldnt walk straight from being tired.

I got home and decided I would sleep on the couch dressed and ready just in case. I fell a sleep and 10 min later the hospital called saying they need me back up there. I was also asked to hurry if I could because they gave her adivan to calm her anxiety but instead it made her mean…a side non of us have ever seen in mom before. She tried hitting and kicking nurses so when I got there (driving 80 in a 35 mph at 2 a.m.) there were about 4 security guards in her room. Once she was put in ICU they said there was nothing they would need me for before morning, I went home to sleep and had no idea the next morning would be a start of a shattering heart.